A friend of mine told me that I’m always miserable.  Come to think of it He might be right.

I was pondering on vulnerability, and it is slowly covering itself around me. Vulnerability, its like some strange foreign object inside your chest, ready to eat you alive and swallow your entire being then eventually you fall apart.

I’m running away… I will run away… Vulnerability has no position in my being.  

The gnawing is from within.

Just leave..

my ears are playing a trick on me. dunno why ive been hearing this song playing for almost half a day already.

i had this cd bossa manila for almost 2 months  and its just another ordinary song for me. i have this feeling that its teasing me or im really losing my senses. am i? this guy from my past is past to its truest form. no feelings not even a pinch or even a dash im sure of that. but the devil is whispering that i should see him heck no! NO NO NO NO.

Linti na kanta!!!!

Nung ako ay iwan mo Gumunaw ang daigdig Pagka't tanging sa'yo lamang

Ang aking pag-ibig Ngunit sa pagdaan Sa paglipas ng taon Ang pusong sugatan 

Sa wakas ay nag hilomWag mo sanang biglain Sa iyong pagbabalik 

Ang idlip na damdamin Ang puso kong natinik

Ang tamis ng pag sinta At init ng halik Ang ibig madama '

Di man umiimik

Pakiusap ko sayo'y Wag ka nang magbabalik

Pagka't itong puso ko ay Sa'yo pa rin nasasabik

Kung saka-sakali man Akin ngang nababatid

Sayo'y mahuhulog lang Kaya't huwag na huwag

Ka nang magbabalik

'Di ko kayang pigilinAng sigaw nitong damdamin

Labis man akong sinaktan Ikaw pa rin ang aking mahal

Whew! second blow. Having GAY friends is like having the best of both worlds. Take for example my relationship with Frank and DG. They are my best buddies in whole world. Frank is my mentor. He has this contagious intelligence that will make you think of things deeply. Knowing how immense his collection of good deeds and uncontrollable time spent with laughter   whenever we are together I couldn’t help but wonder…. Where does his energy come from? Then he simply answered  “Must be love Ching” His the only person that calls me “Ching” so whenever I hear a loud voice calling out “Ching” for sure the moment I’ll look back it will be Frank.

Today is an extra ordinary day. Most of the time its me who’s pouring out on him. I always vent on so many things over lunch or a late afternoon snack its always a routine. A while ago he wasn’t feeling well I know… I’m sure. He saw Andrew and it didn’t feel right. Frank is in love with him but because of his ineptness in handling his emotions he simply smiled and murmured in his sit while I was making a lot of excuses just to make him feel better. This is the first time that I saw him being weak, In fact I haven’t seen him being vulnerable with emotions ever! I was caught in a scene that was new to me.

I kept humming the whole time so as to destruct him from whatever was running on his mind.  I even complemented his old shirt! if I can only pull out a magic trick to ease what he was feeling I would if only I could.

People come and go but true friends remain forever. I am very protective of my friends.

I will clean their clutter in life if I can.

I will give my one and only cookie if they want it. ( fita nga commercial hehehehe)

I will fight for them.

Particularly today…

I’m so helpless.

I wasn’t prepared for this.

I’m sorry my Dearest Frank I’m not strong enough for you but I do love you…so much friend.

Tomorrow will be another day and I will still be here with you and for you.

Ahuhuhuhuhuhuhu.

Ahuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Downtrodden by the news that one of our students left school. In the midst of my aghast emotions I tried my very best to stop tears from falling.  Rain is pouring outside I soooo want to run under the cruel downpour and hide the torrents of my cry.

Nicolo.. He loves me… constantly reminds me that He is my boyfriend. Calls me “Poknat” . Everyday he never fails to share animal cookies and pretzel with me. Every single day… He has the bubbliest personality and inadvertently makes us all laugh till our stomach cry.

Two wonderful years.. I saw his journey  and so many times, shared the ride with him. I have always been a fan of this boy but everything has an end. That’s what happened after those vibrant and blissful years.   

I want to hate his Mom… I sooo want to get mad. I can’t for sure she has reasons why she took Cole away. The only diminutive console I have is that I kept his letters and drawings for me. The weight and the depth of my heartache right now is like a gaping wound rubbed with salt.

A while ago I wan on high spirits until I stumbled upon his emails again. Im counting years… still I have no guts to remove it. This is where I find love and in moments that I want to be loved this is solitary confinement. Up to now I’m not exhausted of rereading it again and again…Until such time that their will be somebody who will send me beautiful letters my heart will never stop from hiding at the back of this emails.

im really sorry for the hurt.

i don't know what to do to take it away, nor even ease it.

feel free to vent and diss me if it helps ease the pain.i will listen and take to heart everything that you say.

i cannot defend myself and i have no right to because what i did was really wrong.

i know you will find it almost impossible to forgive me. but please do. you don't have to tell me. it will help ease the pain, and keep you from being poisoned emotionally.

every day, almost every moment, i regret making the choices i did.

i know you find it difficult to comprehend when i say i love you. you are entirely within your rights to rebuff or resort to disbelief.

but i do.

and still, i regret hurting you.

every day.

i cannot take it back.

but every day i will be sorry.

Here I go again. Whining and whining.. I’m finding it hard to wake up each morning for this past week. Yesterday I slept the whole morning yesterday. I saw my crush Daddy a while ago I sooo want to stop working! Just looking at him makes me realize that I want to have his life. I want to bring my kids to school every morning. I want to fetch them after school. I want to stay at home and take care of my family. I want to cook every dinner time. I want to help them in doing homework. I want to bring them to Mc Donald’s after school. I want to run my house. I want to bring my daughter to ballet class. I want to bring son to his soccer game. I want to have coffee with my husband every morning while reading the papers. I want to be complete. Take CENTRUM complete. Tagang! Gaga! Wala lang….

Unexpectedly bubble wrap brings back old memories. I’m playing with it now this has been my simple pleasure for the longest time. I would indulge myself with popping each bubble and sit in a corner for hours. Sigh… tagang! I remember my ex would always keep meters of bubble wrap in his car   so that whenever we get caught in a traffic popping this will make me forget everything.

Ahay…

Most of the time I refuse to succumb with the thought that I also want to have that somebody. …To have and to hold.

Truth is I'm  longing... shhhhh

I’ve proven my capacity. I have all the praises. But deep inside I’m so shy, limelight is not for me. Being on the stage and getting all this words is not my cup of tea. All I know is that I did what I ought to do.